Dear Granny,

I miss you. I miss you so much. So much has happened to our family since you left. I’m kind of glad you aren’t here to see the wreckage. It would surely break your heart.

I guess we all go through seasons in our lives. I happen to be in a reflective season right now. Granny, I’d give my left arm to see you again. Oh, please, God. I need her. I so need her. When my heart is lonely and I need to talk to you, I close my eyes and I can smell your perfume. It’s just like you are standing beside me. Know what? I think it’s Jesus. If He can be a lover to a widow then why can’t He be my Granny? Sometimes I can smell your hairspray, your makeup, your clothes. I am instantly back in your house in Shreveport. I can be in your car. I have even gone to our favorite mexican food restaurant. I keep my eyes closed for as long as I can because I know that when I open them I’ll be swooshed back to the dirty dishes that wait for me in the sink.

Can you hear me, Granny? Please tell me God lets you have mail in Heaven. Can’t ya just throw down a rope or something? Tie a really big knot in the end of it so you won’t slide off. Then have Gabriel just chunk ya down. Tell him you’ll tug on the rope when you’re ready to go back to your mansion. Please, Granny. I’m begging you! Help me! I need you. I need you.

Nobody listens to me like you did. Nobody talks to me like you did. Nobody loves me quite the way you did. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m still Dad’s princess. But, he is here with me. Thank you God, for that. Sometimes I really want to scream at God. I mean, I know that he didn’t kill you. And, oh, Granny. I know you were suffering so. So, it’s only for selfish reasons that I want you back. I just want you back for me. Just for me. I want to stomp my feet at God and tell Him to bring you to me right now! Heck, I’d even beg.  But I’ve got to pull up my big girl panties and accept the fact that you live in Heaven now. I guess God knows what He’s doing. He chose to ease your suffering. For that, I really am greatful; it was so very hard to watch you suffer. I just miss you. Terribly. Unashamedly.

There will never be another Jesus room. There will never be anymore staying up late giggling and driving Honeypaw nuts. There’ll be no more listening to him pray as he laid his head on his pillow at night. I know it! I know these things. So people are probably going to tell me to stop living in the past and move on. Well right now, at this particular moment, I am going to tell those people to shut up and go away. Because I want my Granny!  This hurts me so much. Never in all of my life did I imagine that I’d ever have to live without you. I feel like a flower that is quickly fading.

Life sure does hurt sometimes. I know that I have precious memories to draw strength from. I have my Savior to run to. I know these things, Granny. So how come I still hurt? Why on earth am I such a mess right now? Please tell me you have answers for me. I think God is molding me, shaping me, making me into something for Him to use. These creative processes of His really hurt sometimes. Sometimes I hurt so badly that I think I’m just going to die. Sometimes I certainly think it’d be easier.

If there is one thing I learned from you; and believe me there are many, but I guess the main thing … is to never ever ever give up.  I’ve got to keep on going. I have to finish my race. I will. I will, Granny. I just wish you were here with me. I still wear your perfume when I need you. So if I have to keep Chantilly in business in order to keep on keeping on, then so be it. I can hear your voice telling me Bible stories. I can hear your voice clear as crystal sometimes.

It’s spring time here, you know? Life is blooming everywhere. I think something is blooming inside me, as well. Something new. Something God designed. I was listening to a song today that talked about how sometimes, our healing comes through our tears. So maybe this isn’t just a reflective season for me. Maybe this is a healing season for me. Wow. See, if I hadn’t taken the time to write you this letter, I might not have figured that out. God loves me. He surely does. He let you help me figure this out. See that? Wow.

Goodness knows I sure can use a healing. No, not physically. I already got that, yay! Granny, my heart has broken in so many ways. I mean, there are ways that I never imagined being hurt. Growing up is so hard to do. And look at me; I have two children looking up at me. Oh, my. What if I mess up really badly? All I can offer them is what you offered to me-Jesus. Thank you for taking me to church. Thank you for telling me the Bible stories. Thank you for your relationship with Him. Some of my most cherished memories are of us going to church or church events. And having hot tea in the Jesus room, of course. I just winked at you, did you see that?

I will always miss you. No one will ever take your place in my heart. Remember how we used to call ourselves worms? Remember? (childish laughter here) Well, you made it. You ate your leaves, slept in your cocoon and emerged on the other side of eternity as a beautiful butterfly. I’m eating my leaves, Granny. They don’t always taste very good but I’m eating them. Someday, I too will sleep in a cocoon. And most assuredly–someday I will join you on eternity’s shore with my very own butterfly wings. Wait for me, Granny. Please wait and watch for me. 

Your Amytalk

Hi there, my precious Granny. I miss you so much. You got a laptop in Heaven? I sure hope so, otherwise I’m gonna look a lil foolish communicating with you like this.

Spring is here! It’s finally here! Oh! The grass is so green, the trees are alive with our precious little birds, and the flowers are drawing the bees. (Great big sniff here) Smell that, Granny? Ahh. It’s the scent of fresh cut grass and a little wild onion. Is there anything sweeter?

I find myself missing you a lot these days. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s the fact that we just moved. Maybe it’s because the wind whispers to me as it walks with the few fall leaves that are left on the ground. Remember how we used to whisper things about Honeypaw? (How I miss him!) We used to wait till he went to bed so we could talk about him. I wish we could do that again. Remember, Granny? He used to get so mad at us for giggling waaay into the night. I can hear him now, “You blame women!”  How many times did we wet our pants after hearing him holler that at us? Oh, the memories I treasure. There are many.

I keep Honeypaw’s favorite spoon on my kitchen counter. I look at it every day. Remember how he used to bang that spoon on every single pan he ever used? Man! He could drive us nuts with that! I have it laying beside his cutting board. On days like these, Granny, I sure do wish I could have another day in the kitchen with him. I remember when he taught me how to make biscuits. I remember when he taught me how to wash out the greens from the garden. “You have to wash them three times. Get new water three different times. Gotta get all the fresh meat off.” Man, what I wouldn’t give to see his garden again. He could grow the most beautiful greens anybody ever saw. Remember? I’ll bet God has a garden. I’m sure that’s where Honeypaw is right now. He’s in the garden. Only this time, he isn’t complaining about the heat. He doesn’t have to worry about the weeds. He can just enjoy the lush green leaves and enjoy the company of his Savior. What a wonderful walk in the garden that must be. When I get to Heaven, will you walk with me in the garden, Granny? Can we walk together with Honeypaw?

I miss you, Granny.  In every daffodil that dances, I see you. In every whimsical butterfly, I think of you. With every birds nest I find, I remember you. Spring is here, Granny. My heart is full of life again, and full of memories of you. As you walk along the crystal sea please, remember me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLK0Pdqr41I&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEv2r40X354

My soul needs comforting today. The music and the inspiring words taken from the Bible are wrapping me in their warmth. Just like my Granny’s blanket does. Time to go to the Jesus room, Granny. Meet me there soon. I’ll bring the hot tea.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CGoLyBpP0A

http://www.blackcatpoems.com/a/autumn_ballad.html

Check out this poem by Henry Abbey, it’s great. Paints a great picture, at least for me. I love the last line of the poem, “And wept in dismal rain and moaned for what could never be.” (Abbey)

I made it through Thanksgiving this year without a hitch. My dressing wasn’t near as good as Granny’s was; but we ate it. It tasted fine. It just wasn’t hers. How on earth can cornbread dressing make my heart hurt so bad? I had my Zantac that day so I know it wasn’t acid reflux.  When do memories stop hurting? I have got to move forward, right? In a sad kind of way, I don’t want to. I don’t want to forget my Granny. I don’t want to let go. Selfish, huh?

Have you ever cried in the rain? I mean really wept. There is something cleansing about releasing your pain outside. The rain cleans the air and returns your soul to a pristeen state of serenity. There is something healing in allowing yourself to reach deep inside of your pain and give it a voice. Go ahead, scream. Cry. Yell; moan. Get it out! If you keep it inside, it will only poison your blood with bitterness.  Even if you are only moaning for what can never be, (Abbey), it is still important to provide that pain with an avenue of expression.

Pain. Hmm, I don’t even like the sound of that word. Nothing in this life is fair. Especially when it comes to pain, and the reason for it. I sometimes think that emotional pain is the worst of all. Physical pain can be controlled; usually. Emotional pain, however, is on a different level. Emotional pain can live forever.  Sometimes, moaning is called for. It’s like it brings your mind, soul, and body into alignment. It seems to take away a lot of confusion and disarray. Sometimes you  just have to get to this point. You have to be able to grieve audibly in order to move forward. At least I know this is the case with me. I need to hear myself-hurting. I need to feel on every level, not just physical.

Go ahead and cry. Go ahead and scream to the world! For Heaven’s sake (and your own) get it out. Don’t keep those kinds of feelings inside.

Want to hear something neat? When God told Joshua  and his men to take the city of Jericho, He didn’t command them to use weapons. What did they use? Their voices. (There is power in simply obeying the Lord, absolutely. He also commanded them to walk around the city. Gotta make sure I keep my stories straight.) I think there is power to be found in our voices.  A God-given abundance of  wonder-working power that springs forth from His  eternal supply of  living water. Please. Pick up the cup and drink from it. Pick it up, go on.  Shout unto the Lord! Cry out to Him for help and healing.  He gives the water so freely.

Drink it, and find your voice. Then clear your throat and shout! Sing! Speak! Tell of His wonderful mercies! He is your key to freedom, using your voice is a step towards healing. After all, we are made overcomers by the words of our mouth …

 

Hey Granny, do you get to have Thanksgiving in Heaven? I mean, do you guys get to cook and enjoy all the wonderful aromas of sage and parsley and cinnamon? Well, can you see us down here? I sure do miss you. Oh what I’d give to have you back; but I don’t want you back in the state you left this world in. You were in so much pain and were miserable; no quality of  life whatsoever. (At least not to me.) I just wish I could turn the clock back, ya know? I mean, why can’t I be a little girl again and be standing at the screen door yearning to see your car pull up in the driveway? Whyyy? I miss you so much it hurts, Granny.

One of my favorite things to do during the holiday season is to reflect on all the holiday seasons past. I think that is one thing that everyone does-because it warms the soul. Do you remember all the times that you and Honeypaw came to our house for Thanksgiving? If I close my eyes, I can still smell the onions and garlic sauteing in mom’s iron skillet.  I remember when I was finally old enough to chop the onions and celery. I can smell that cornbread dressing and it is making me hungry, even now. Here is is after 2 a.m. and I’m sitting up blogging. (And wishing I had some dressing!)

Remember how Honeypaw used to sing to us, Granny? He was always singing gospel hyms, and oh, did he have a voice for it!  I can still hear his voice, see his face, and smell his aftershave. That memory is as comfy as an old quilt.  I find myself sitting and reminiscing a lot these days. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s Thanksgiving. This will be my second Thanksgiving without you. It hurts, Granny. It hurts real bad. Why does life have to be so hard? I remember the day you died like it was yesterday. I ran out to my driveway and screamed as loud as I could, then collapsed to the ground and wept before the Lord.

We had a very special relationship, you and I. Didn’t we? Oh, Granny. If I could only go to one more Sunday School service with you! I’d help you get your lesson prepared so you could teach your precious ladies. Remember? Remember how we used to do it? Let’s go to the Jesus Room, Granny. Just one more time, please.  Meet me there, will you? I need you; my heart hurts so bad. I need to fix us both a cup of hot tea, so we can stir it with our fancy little spoons and tap them on our saucers. I need to hold my pinky out while I sip from the cup, and pretend that we are rich southern belles with huge plantations. I need you. Granny? Granny, can you hear me? If you were here, and we were in the Jesus Room, I just know you’d wipe the tears from my eyes. I just know you’d tell me a story. I just know you’d say a prayer over me. Never in a million years did I ever, ever think I’d have to live life without you. It hurts so bad sometimes that I think my heart is actually bleeding.  Please tell me you can hear me. Please let me know that you see me. Could you just go tap Jesus on the shoulder and show Him that your little Angelbaby needs some divine peace?

I need you so badly right now, Granny. I want to crawl up in your lap and let you hold me. I want to go home!!! To your home on Greenway Place.  Home was wherever you were, Granny. I need so much to go home right now. I sleep under the comforter that was on my bed at your house.  It reminds me of you. It doesn’t match my room at all, but it reminds me of you. Sometimes I spray your perfume in the air; just so I can smell you. Life really hurts right now, Granny. I wish you were here for me. I know you are in a place of perfection and would never want to come back to this cold and heartless world. I know it; but I can’t help but to wish that you could come see me when I desperately need you like I do now.

So Granny, could you please send some of your little redbirds to me? Could you send a ray of sunshine on a cold and cloudy day? Would you ask Jesus to have the squirrels slow down instead of scampering, so I can enjoy them just a little longer? Granny, would you please have Him twinkle the North star an extra time or two? Just so I can be sure that I can always find my way, now that I have to walk the trails alone. Oh, I know. I’m never truly alone. Jesus walks with me. Ya know Granny, He holds my hand every day. He assures me that you are a treasure of His. Knowing that I will see you again one day, gives me the strength to make your cornbread dressing by myself. It gives me the courage to walk without you; as long as Jesus stays by my side. It inspires me to live a life that you would be proud of.

Here’s to you, Granny. Happy Thanksgiving.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoxopsRSfdU

It’s beautiful. So inspiring to this brown-eyed girl.

This is my favorite time of year to sit outside and enjoy the scenery. I love to be out in nature, enjoying all that God has created. One of my favorite things to do, is to watch the little birds; chickadees, crows, blue-jays, and red birds (cardinals). I notice how some birds hop, some jump, and others strut. They can be so funny. I guess I have too much time on my hands because I like to imagine what they are saying to each other. Their little heads turn and twitch and  they ruffle their feathers and chirp, so I am sure they are communicating.

I’ve had the opportunity to sit outside several times this Fall, and I’m sorry to say that I haven’t seen that many birds. Where have they gone? I know they don’t all fly south for the winter. I have many fond memories of tossing out birdseed onto the snow. Even when I was little, feeding the birds was important to me. I looked forward to it every Winter. I have always recalled the verse in the Bible, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matt. 6:26 NIV) 

Have you ever held a little bird in your hand? They are so very fragile. If you hold them too tightly, you’ll break their delicate bones. If you don’t hold them firmly enough, they will fly away or become injured. There has to be balance in your grip; not too loose, not too tight. I’m noticing the same balancing technique must also be used in this rat-race we call life.

It just means a lot to me, to know that my Father in Heaven cares so much about His creation, that He sees to it that even the birds of the air are fed. He provides. So why on earth should I worry about my tomorrows? I really have no need to. He is the great Master and He has it all under control. 

About a year ago my precious Granny died.  (My mom’s mom.)  One of our favorite things to do since I was a little girl, was to sit by the window in the winter time, and watch the little red birds eat the seed we had just put out.  They were always her favorite, the cardinals. Through the years, they became mine as well. So where are all  the little birds this year? I’ve seen only a few. My Granny loved them so much, maybe God let her take them all to Heaven with her when she went home. Nah, I don’t think He would have let her take all of them because then I wouldn’t have any left to cherish.  However, I’m almost positive that that is where most of them have gone.  I don’t know if people in Heaven can see those of us they left behind. So I’m glad she got to take some of our special little red birds with her, if for nothing else than to remind her of me.

http://www.blackcatpoems.com/f/the_exposed_nest.html

This link will take you to Robert Frost’s poem “The Exposed Nest.” I wish my Granny was here so I could share it with her. I love you, Granny. I hope your little birds tell you so.

I love Fall. Apples, fried pies, and church dinners just seem to enrich this season. Along with great poetry, of course.  Try this one: http://www.blackcatpoems.com/f/birches.html.

Makes me wish I was a little girl again, and had a plethora of birch trees.

Well, it just seems that this time of year was meant to bring back memories; all the while creating new ones. Holidays are hard when you’ve lost so many loved ones. Don’t get me wrong, it makes me appreciate even more, the ones that I still have. Nevertheless, my heart longs for those no longer with me. Sitting out on my front porch breathing in the cool breeze brings joy to my heart and tears to my eyes. Some day I’m sure the tears won’t be so close to the surface; but for now they are. So for now I let them fall freely.