Dear Granny,
I miss you. I miss you so much. So much has happened to our family since you left. I’m kind of glad you aren’t here to see the wreckage. It would surely break your heart.
I guess we all go through seasons in our lives. I happen to be in a reflective season right now. Granny, I’d give my left arm to see you again. Oh, please, God. I need her. I so need her. When my heart is lonely and I need to talk to you, I close my eyes and I can smell your perfume. It’s just like you are standing beside me. Know what? I think it’s Jesus. If He can be a lover to a widow then why can’t He be my Granny? Sometimes I can smell your hairspray, your makeup, your clothes. I am instantly back in your house in Shreveport. I can be in your car. I have even gone to our favorite mexican food restaurant. I keep my eyes closed for as long as I can because I know that when I open them I’ll be swooshed back to the dirty dishes that wait for me in the sink.
Can you hear me, Granny? Please tell me God lets you have mail in Heaven. Can’t ya just throw down a rope or something? Tie a really big knot in the end of it so you won’t slide off. Then have Gabriel just chunk ya down. Tell him you’ll tug on the rope when you’re ready to go back to your mansion. Please, Granny. I’m begging you! Help me! I need you. I need you.
Nobody listens to me like you did. Nobody talks to me like you did. Nobody loves me quite the way you did. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m still Dad’s princess. But, he is here with me. Thank you God, for that. Sometimes I really want to scream at God. I mean, I know that he didn’t kill you. And, oh, Granny. I know you were suffering so. So, it’s only for selfish reasons that I want you back. I just want you back for me. Just for me. I want to stomp my feet at God and tell Him to bring you to me right now! Heck, I’d even beg. But I’ve got to pull up my big girl panties and accept the fact that you live in Heaven now. I guess God knows what He’s doing. He chose to ease your suffering. For that, I really am greatful; it was so very hard to watch you suffer. I just miss you. Terribly. Unashamedly.
There will never be another Jesus room. There will never be anymore staying up late giggling and driving Honeypaw nuts. There’ll be no more listening to him pray as he laid his head on his pillow at night. I know it! I know these things. So people are probably going to tell me to stop living in the past and move on. Well right now, at this particular moment, I am going to tell those people to shut up and go away. Because I want my Granny! This hurts me so much. Never in all of my life did I imagine that I’d ever have to live without you. I feel like a flower that is quickly fading.
Life sure does hurt sometimes. I know that I have precious memories to draw strength from. I have my Savior to run to. I know these things, Granny. So how come I still hurt? Why on earth am I such a mess right now? Please tell me you have answers for me. I think God is molding me, shaping me, making me into something for Him to use. These creative processes of His really hurt sometimes. Sometimes I hurt so badly that I think I’m just going to die. Sometimes I certainly think it’d be easier.
If there is one thing I learned from you; and believe me there are many, but I guess the main thing … is to never ever ever give up. I’ve got to keep on going. I have to finish my race. I will. I will, Granny. I just wish you were here with me. I still wear your perfume when I need you. So if I have to keep Chantilly in business in order to keep on keeping on, then so be it. I can hear your voice telling me Bible stories. I can hear your voice clear as crystal sometimes.
It’s spring time here, you know? Life is blooming everywhere. I think something is blooming inside me, as well. Something new. Something God designed. I was listening to a song today that talked about how sometimes, our healing comes through our tears. So maybe this isn’t just a reflective season for me. Maybe this is a healing season for me. Wow. See, if I hadn’t taken the time to write you this letter, I might not have figured that out. God loves me. He surely does. He let you help me figure this out. See that? Wow.
Goodness knows I sure can use a healing. No, not physically. I already got that, yay! Granny, my heart has broken in so many ways. I mean, there are ways that I never imagined being hurt. Growing up is so hard to do. And look at me; I have two children looking up at me. Oh, my. What if I mess up really badly? All I can offer them is what you offered to me-Jesus. Thank you for taking me to church. Thank you for telling me the Bible stories. Thank you for your relationship with Him. Some of my most cherished memories are of us going to church or church events. And having hot tea in the Jesus room, of course. I just winked at you, did you see that?
I will always miss you. No one will ever take your place in my heart. Remember how we used to call ourselves worms? Remember? (childish laughter here) Well, you made it. You ate your leaves, slept in your cocoon and emerged on the other side of eternity as a beautiful butterfly. I’m eating my leaves, Granny. They don’t always taste very good but I’m eating them. Someday, I too will sleep in a cocoon. And most assuredly–someday I will join you on eternity’s shore with my very own butterfly wings. Wait for me, Granny. Please wait and watch for me.
Your Amytalk
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